still not writing consistently.

really having a hard time being happy and liking myself lately.

i just told jacob last night not to talk to me and that i couldn't see him for a while.

not even 24 hours later and i am hating the fact that i have not heard from him.

it hurts, but i know i gotta suck it up and do this for myself.

god damnit, i want to buy an eighth and smoke the whole thing in one sitting.

why don't i ever write in this anymore?
could it be because my laptop is getting fixed and becuase i don't have the internet? yes, i think so.

the stupid bitch is talking to him again, and i don't like it one bit.
i wanna post pictures all over his page and just scream, he's mine you whore, so back off!
of course this anger and jealousy only reflects back on my relationship with him...
you're hurting me jacob, you are.
as strong as we are somedays and as thankful i am to have you in my life,
this lack of recognition of my existance to anyone else besides your cousins really hurts my feelings.

i wanna move out.
been looking at a lot of places in the mid-wilshire area, but as much as i wanna move out by as soon as tomorrow, i know i'm stuck waiting.
my credit isn't bad, but i've pretty much hit both of my credit limits.
doing a bunch of credit checks now just to get an apt isn't going to help me one bit.
i'm still not getting paid commission yet, which means about another month until i make decent money.
the money i make now is only enough to get by, which means:
- no moving out for a few more months.
- no zoey until i move out.

i miss my dog so much i cry some nights.
i knew it was gonna be hard the day my mom took her to vegas to be with my sister,
but goodness, it is killing me.
i raised her since she was 2 months, and just like that, she moved away.
how can the owner of a pet hospital not allow his tenants who live upstairs to own pets?
does that make any sense to you?
i definitely feel bad for his customers, because clearly he is a heartless vet.
i bet the only reason he's a vet is becuase he didn't make it as a doctor, as most filipinos dream to be.
he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who opened up a vet clinic because he loves pets.
he seems like the kind of guy who did it because being a doctor would make him money, even if that meant being a pet doctor.

ugh.
i know i know, this entry is full of nothing but complaints.
i'm just so frustrated with life right now.
i feel like i'm stuck in a lot of life situations that i'm unhappy with, and i just have to suck it up until things get better.
even if that means it's gonna be a long long time before they do.
that's definitely the hard part, waiting.
waiting for all the crooked things in my life to start straightening back out and making sense for a change.

i'm not gonna write anymore because i'm over this.
it was nice seeing you again, xanga.

as hard as these last few weeks have been, i love you more than ever. whether or not you believe me, i really, truly, do care, and i constantly worry about you. as much as it hurts me that right now you're thinking about your last 6 years with her and not your last 9 months with me, i still care so much about you that all i wish is for you to be happy. please don't sulk in all the pain & loss. please look forward to the future and not so sadly at the past. it hurts jacob, i know it does, but you've got to believe that you're gonna get through it, because i know that you will. you know how you told me that if i wanted to make you happy then i ought to work on loving myself and believing in myself and having more self confidence? well... if you want to make me happy, then you need to believe that you are a strong person. you need to believe that even though life may be hard right now, one day, it will get easier. you need to believe that you will be loved and that you can love again. i need you to believe that happiness will come your way again. do this for yourself and it'll give me a little more faith in us.